If you’re here because your relationship has been shattered by an affair (or multiple affairs) and you aren’t ready to give up on each other, I’m here with wholehearted hope and evidence that this doesn’t have to mean the end of your time together.
AFTER THE AFFAIR
I will say, quite frankly, your first relationship is over. But, you are now afforded the opportunity to build a new one that is much stronger and more deeply connected than the first. Furthermore, research shows that allowing yourselves to talk about the affair and work through it, rather than avoiding it all together, will greatly strengthen your relationship and prevent its demise.
AFFAIR HEALING
My approach to treating infidelity follows the three phases of therapy, which have been crafted by the couple experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman. This approach is different from other couples therapy approaches in that it emphasizes the importance of allowing the Hurt partner to fully express deep and painful feelings about the affair all the while offering support, empathy, and non-judgment to both partners. It also assumes that the Hurt partner now suffers from symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (e.g. hyper-vigilance, nightmares, intrusive images of the affair, intense mood swings, and sleep disturbance), which are a normal response to the affair.
The the three phases of this therapy are described in more detail below…
The Gottman Approach to Treating Affairs
Atone.
You might feel antsy and eager to get to the bottom of why the affair occurred in the first place, but it’s important to move thoroughly through each of the three phases. This first phase includes: (1) expression of deep-seated emotions, (2) remorse from the partner who engaged in the affair, and (3) if mutually agreed upon, verification that the partner who engaged in the affair is now telling the truth. It lasts as long as the Hurt partner needs it to.
Attune.
This second phase of therapy includes: (1) processing past incidents of failed communication, (2) learning new conflict management skills to prevent continued conflict avoidance, and (3) learning how to be better listeners. You may, indirectly, begin to piece together why the affair occurred, but this is not worked on directly.
Attach.
This final phase of therapy builds upon the first two phases in establishing Trust, Loyalty, and Commitment - which are the opposite of Betrayal. Trust comes from truth, transparency, processing past emotional injuries, attunement, and constructive conflict. With the help of the therapist, the couple begins to re-kindle passion and their sex life.